My take on (true) happiness.
Like I said, my take on it.

So I was pretty disturbed by the fact that people think I'm "too caught up in being sad to see anything else". I am not. There's something I'd like to clarify. I wrote this not for the sake of rebutting, or that I'm "stubborn like that". There's just so much people don't understand about me, here's a post to clear it.

So I have been depressed for a long time with feelings of insecurity and loneliness. It's been better these two days so I'm evidently happier. Not completely because of stress from other areas, but much better. I'll never be too caught up in sadness to see anything else. If there's a reason for me to feel sad, I will; if there's a solution to that problem, I'll be happy. Just like that.

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I was talking to Anna just now and this thought suddenly crossed my mind (btw I'm so glad today happened. Acceptance and mutual understanding is all we need isn't it? Thankyou so much :));

when people say we're "stubborn", it's more or less implying that we do not listen to others even though we're wrong (not doing what's right). But what is wrong and what is right? Everybody has their own set of morals and ethics.

Someone may feel what we're doing is wrong and therefore say we're stubborn when we don't listen to them, but someone else who agrees with us may say it's good we're standing up for our own values. So what does being 'stubborn' mean?

Bearing that in mind, I've understood, at least for today, that we really need to believe in what we think is right. For the past few weeks, my belief has been wavered by the people around me who kept pointing out my flaws. School really sucked and that plus the stress from exams was making me so insecure and emotional.

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Back to the topic about me wallowing in self pity and not being able to see happiness around me. Honestly, school had been terrible. Feeling alone is a really sucky feeling, having nobody to truly understand you is a sucky feeling. I'm not just ranting.

Perhaps you don't understand my situation just by reading this. It's so difficult to understand a person because we can never really understand someone's feelings and emotions.

Emotions are emotions, nobody can stop us from feeling the way we're feeling. For me, I'm a really sensitive person who can feel alot for many things. I'm not particularly optimistic or pessimistic. I just let myself feel the way my heart feels. I don't think it's wrong, it's just who I am.

When I'm sad, I'm able to feel extreme sadness, and I think about the problem all the time, trying to understand the situation better so I can truly feel better. It's to understand myself and others in that situation and to see what I can do about it to help me feel better.

It may take me months and years to understand a problem, but I do believe I will be able to find a way one day, that is when I will TRULY be happy. I do get happy, like today, when I'm finally able to find someone who can understand me after all those insecurities.

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You may say my happiness is short-lived, but I'd rather have "short-lived" happiness than to be "happy" my whole life, by putting problems aside or ignoring them. "looking on the bright side" does make alittle more sense (optimism), but only if I am not doing that blindly.

I feel that putting problems aside is to achieve happiness on a superficial level, like I've said in a previous post, like I'm filling a cup with a hole which will always leak even though I may feel happy at that point.

I assure you that this happiness comes from the bottom of my heart. I may feel depressed a few days later, but that's only because I feel so much for things so easily. I've been really depressed the past few days because I wasn't given a "right" to be who I am.

I also believe this "short-lived" happiness of mine will last a really long time once I understand myself and the world around me. When I gain wisdom, I think. It will take time but it is a process. Happiness isn't easy to gain, and is it that easily obtainable? Just by ignoring and trying not to look on the "dark" side? Don't we all have to go through tough times to know what happiness is?

Merely ignoring my heart will not get me anywhere, for I will only forget why I laugh, and may even doubt the genuinity of it. In the first place, it isn't genuine.

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Yes, I really dislike superficiality. I don't get why this society is like that, why we have to hide so much. But I don't feel it's unfortunate that I have to express myself. I know there are tons of people who cannot accept me for who I am but that is alright.

I will be alone most of the time, but for now I should understand that even if I wasn't alone, I wouldn't be happy with people who wouldn't understand me anyway.

This society dislikes instability and will always condemn people who are like that, and I happen to be like that. The question isn't "is there anything I can do?" but "who will accept me for who I am?". Fitting in is such a tiring thing, and we might just lose ourselves on the way.

Of course, I'll still be doing what I told myself to do in previous posts.

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About me being selfish and self-centered. I can safely say I'm a person who will do all I can for a person once I know he or she is worth my effort. For now, I may be incapable of loving others because I honestly do not love myself enough yet. Love operates from abundance.

Till that day arrives, I will be like that, but it isn't "right" or "wrong". I'll continue to search for the person (or a few people). I know I have a few friends who understand. Far from me, but distance won't keep people apart.

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Perhaps the question is, who will be the person to understand me, and where on earth in this society? Sometimes I feel like I cannot live with anybody else on earth, they're so different from me.

My purpose of living is to find someone who can accept me, vice versa. Simply put, somebody on the same frequency as me. If I die too early to find that person, should I call that fate?